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Israeli Military Shuts Down After Wave Of
Kidnappings
TEL AVIV - It started with the kidnapping of a single Israeli Defense Force
soldier a few weeks ago. Then two more soldiers were kidnapped in mid-July,
prompting a military assault across the border into Lebanon. Fingers were
pointed at Hezbollah, which demanded the release of prisoners in exchange
for the release of the Israeli soldiers.
Israel replied with more military incursions
throughout Lebanon and the Palestinian territories.
 But it
was a trap.
Within one week, an estimated 936,714 IDF soldiers
simply vanished. Hezbollah claimed responsibility, and released video of the
kidnapped soldiers in an undisclosed desert location. Although stacked like
cordwood, the soldiers appeared unharmed and well-fed, and alert enough to
complain about the lack of TV or decent porn.
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Wacky Chinese Govt Machine-Guns
More Protesters
DONGZHOU, GUANGDONG PROVINCE – On
December 6, 2005, protesters turned out to protest [editor’s
note: buy thesaurus] the construction of a new power plant near
the city of Shanwei. This prompted
the comically evil Chinese government to respond the
only way it knew how, sending paramilitary troops to crush the
protest and mow down citizens with machine guns. At least 20 are
believed dead, with as many as 40 still missing.
“A long time has passed since
Tiananmen Square,” said one relieved peasant, speaking on condition
of anonymity from his
deathbed. “I wasn’t sure if Beijing remembered how to crush a paltry
band of peaceful protesters with overwhelming military force. But
they stomped us good. It will be some time before we threaten to
topple the government again with our paltry placards.”
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It’s Over!
Charles Cheats On Camilla with Older, Uglier Woman
BALMORAL ESTATE, SCOTLAND – On Saturday, April 9th,
2005, Prince Charles, 56, married Camilla Parker Bowles, 57, the woman
he’d loved for more than three decades.
By the following weekend, the
marriage was over.
In the pre-dawn hours of
Sunday, April 17th, Prince Charles was photographed leaving
the window of professional widow Helga Sternbottom, 92, of Birmingham.
Palace insiders confirm that the queen learned of her son’s
infidelity within hours, from her own sources on the prince’s
security staff. An abashed Prince Charles was summarily hauled before
an enraged Queen Elizabeth and a drowsy Prince Philip, 83.
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United
States Issues Diabolic Laugh to Somalis
Seeking Tsunami Aid
WASHINGTON -
Although not as devastated by the December 26 tsunami as other
countries across the Indian Ocean, Somalia is also seeking relief aid. At
least 300 Somalis died, with hundreds more still missing. Villages along the
east coast of Africa such as the fishing village of Hafun have been leveled.
Other villages further south, closer to Mogadishu, are cut off from relief
workers due to ongoing clan warfare. While the World Food Program and UNICEF
do what they can to help the people of Hafun and other villages, the total
absence of U.S. aid has attracted attention in Somalia and the
international community.
On January 14, more than two weeks after the
tsunami hit, officials in the U.S. State Department responded to
pressure in the media to respond to the absence of aid to Somalia. In
Washington, the State Department press secretary addressed journalists
first by laughing diabolically and then adding, “Screw Somalia. Screw
the Somali people and their drowned children. They’ll get nothing and
like it. If they’d wanted American aid, they shouldn’t have killed 18
of our soldiers in October 1993 and dragged their corpses through the
streets of Mogadishu.”
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David Copperfield Claims Responsibility For Disappearance of 380 Tons
of Iraqi Explosives
 BAGHDAD
- Magician David Copperfield has unexpectedly claimed responsibility
for the disappearance of 380 tons of military-grade explosives from
the Al Qaqaa facility south of Baghdad. The explosives, powerful enough to
demolish buildings and detonate nuclear weapons, were reported missing
by the International Atomic Energy Agency October 25 about a week after
it was notified by the interim Iraqi government.
The IAEA had not monitored the site since
January 2003. After its invasion of Iraq, the Bush administration rated
securing the massive stockpile a “medium priority,” and it was this kind
of forward thinking that permitted and even encouraged the ongoing
violence by insurgents.
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You're Never Going to Have Sex With An Olympic Gymnast
 ATHENS
- Every four years you watch them on TV, these young men and women with firm
muscles
and gasp-inducing flexibility. Most are teenagers, although in Greece they
range in age from sixteen to thirty-four. They converge on Athens from
America. Romania. Russia. Those other countries. But the nations that
produced them are irrelevant. For years they have practiced and trained for
one reason and one reason only:
To perform
for you.
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Iraqi Insurgents Warn of Fewer Car Bombings
Due to Vehicle Shortage
BAGHDAD - The loosely affiliated group
of Iraqi insurgents opposed to the U.S. occupation as well as the nascent Iraqi
government released a statement to Al-Jazeera late yesterday warning of an impending
drop-off in the number of car bombings in Baghdad and other key cities due
to a severe shortage of cars and trucks. "Simply put," the statement
concluded, "we're running out of things to put bombs in."
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Everyone in Iraq Taken Hostage
 THE
PENTAGON - In what is being downplayed as a minor setback by Bush
administration officials, a handful of disparate terrorist groups have
succeeded in taking everyone in Iraq hostage, from Iraqi civilians and
coalition employees to all 135,000 U.S. soldiers, as well as all other
coalition forces and journalists.
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Vatican Repossessed After Pope Forgets To Make "At Least Four" Mortgage
Payments
VATICAN CITY - The Catholic Church received another blow this
week when the Vatican itself was repossessed,
leaving Pope John Paul II and thousands of other residents of the holy city
homeless. Although the Church is suffering financially in the wake of legal
settlements totaling millions of dollars—a
result of the most recent wave of child molestations—the
Vatican's repossession was apparently the sole fault of the Holy Father, who
forgot to mail several recent mortgage payments.
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 Prince Charles Embroiled in Homosexual
Corgi Scandal
LONDON -
Ending weeks of mystery surrounding the specifics of the latest sex scandal to
rock Britain's royal family, Prince Charles released a terse statement admitting
to a "consensual" relationship
with one of the queen's male Welsh Corgis.
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Storm Damage in Haiti Estimated at
Nearly
$14
PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—With more than 2,000 people feared dead in
flooding from Hurricane Jeanne, which struck Haiti September 19,
United Nations officials have estimated the total damage at “almost
$14.” The cost is staggering, given that Haiti is the poorest nation
in the Western Hemisphere.
Hundreds of thousands of people across the island nation are
homeless and hungry, compared to only tens of thousands of starving
Haitians prior to Hurricane Jeanne. Looters, street gangs, and
strife between rebels and the post-Aristide, U.S.-installed interim
government aren’t exactly helping matters, observed one aid worker.
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Arab States Building Huge-Ass Wall Around
Israel
TUNISIA - The Arab states of Egypt,
Syria, Jordan, and Lebanon are pooling their resources to construct a
mammoth security wall to contain the violence that has exploded inside
Israel during recent millennia. The steel and concrete wall will be 100
meters high, 20-meters thick at the base, approximately 300 miles long, and
capped with high-tech surveillance equipment and
laser attack pods.
Arab leaders
announced the fence project at a joint appearance during a conference in
Tunisia, but insisted the Arab fence had nothing to do with Israel's
controversial "security fence."
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Nothing Funny About 3/11 Madrid
Bombing
MADRID - With at least 200 killed in a
series of train bombings on March 11th in the capital city of Spain, few
if any people have found anything funny about the deadly blasts, attributed
initially to Basque separatists but looking more and more like the work of
al-Qaeda, which has apparently struck again exactly 911 days after 9/11.
"This sucks,"
says one longtime Madrid commuter pausing to study a pile of twisted metal
now hardly recognizable as a railway carriage.
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Marlon Brando to End African Famine With Donation of Body Fat
NEW YORK -
Officials at the United Nations were overjoyed today after being contacted
by longtime activist Marlon Brando, considered by many to be one of the
greatest, if not the greatest, living actor. In a statement released by his
publicist, Brando announced his intention to undergo up to 48 sessions of
liposuction in the next six weeks to slim down to a far healthier body weight.
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Pope John Paul II Announces Plans To Extend Papacy With Cyborg
Exoskeleton
VATICAN
CITY - An increasingly frail Pope John Paul II, 83, surprised Catholics
worldwide yesterday with his decision to undergo an experimental treatment for
sufferers of
Parkinson's Disease. The announcement came as a rather unwelcome shock to
cardinals vying for the papacy.
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