Obfuscator Oscar Picks: How’d We Do?

LOS ANGELES—Each January we try to predict the movies that will win Oscars the following year. Of course, working 15 months ahead of the Oscars—and the rest of the media—can be a daunting task. For example, most of these films weren’t even finished 15 months ago, much less released, which put all the more pressure on our resident film critic, Mr. E. Incognito, who hadn’t seen a single one of films on this list when he compiled his predictions at 3.a.m. one dreary January morn. But we like to challenge ourselves.

     With all the Oscars handed out Sunday night, March 4, 2006, it’s time to see how our January 2005 picks panned out.

Michelle Rodriguez of Lost Happy to Play The Same Character Over and Over Again

LOS ANGELES - If you’re a Lost fan, you probably caught your first glimpse of Michelle Rodriguez in the May 2005 season finale. She’s now a regular cast member in the second season, playing Ana-Lucia Cortez, yet another plane crash survivor from the other side of the increasingly tedious island, reportedly now under a no-flashback ordinance. But you probably best remember Michelle, who turned 27 in July 2005, from one of her hit movies.

     After making her big debut as the tough hot girl in 2000’s Girlfight, Michelle returned the next year as the hot, tough girl in The Fast and the Furious. Then, in 2002, she opted to play the tough hot girl in Resident Evil. And, although it was a bit of a risk, she appeared in Blue Crush that same year playing the hot, tough girl. In 2003, for a change of pace, she played the tough hot girl in S.W.A.T. In addition to Lost, her upcoming films include Bloodrayne and The Breed. Her schedule is full, but only time will tell if fans will accept Michelle as a tough hot girl, or a hot, tough girl, respectively.

The Year (2004) in Pop Culture

OBFUSCATOR NEWSROOM SUPPLY CLOSET - Lists are meaningless space fillers assigned by unoriginal editors, and inevitably no more or less relevant than a list of likes/dislikes compiled by bored junior high school girls. They have also been done to death (not unlike many a bored junior high school girl). Just turn on VH-1 or E! at random. We dare you.

     Nevertheless, we are proud to present our annual year-end look back at the year in film, television, books, music, and whatever else we feel like throwing in. We may not have seen each of these movies or read all of these books, but we swear on our less-stained-than-usual reputation that we didn't peek at the New York Times' lists or change any results after receiving, just last night, a generous check from the producers of Harry Potter.

     All lists were created using a strict, scientific process modeled after the data crunching system that confidently predicted the winner of the 2004 election (John Kerry by 12 points). During a week of seclusion at a haunted lakeside cabin in Alabama, the Obfuscator editorial and news staff screamed, cajoled, fought, pleaded, and wept through sleepless nights and late afternoon hangovers to compile the following. Two people lost their jobs, one woman was eaten by a bear, and three kegs of beer and one intern vanished into the wilderness.

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Still No Reality Show for David Lee Roth

LOS ANGELES - Television executives refused to respond yesterday when the Obfuscator's resident TV critic demanded to know why David Lee Roth still had not been given his own reality show.

     With B-list celebrities such as Paris Hilton dominating the airwaves, and even F-list celebrities such as Ashlee Simpson and Vanilla Ice getting their slice of the reality show pie, the colorful and always entertaining former Van Halen singer continues to go unnoticed by networks both major and minor.

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