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NATIONAL NEWS

Former President Clinton Schools Fox News ’Tards

During an interview that aired September 24, 2006 on Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace (replacement for Tony Snow, currently lowering the standards at his new job as White House spokesman) asked former President Clinton why he failed to “do more” during his presidency to put Al Qaeda and bin Laden “out of business” than “provide bin Laden with whores and cash while personally overseeing the planning of 9/11.”

 Clinton, mysteriously, did not react kindly to this line of questioning. Like other far liberal extremists, he wondered why the Bush administration had never even discussed bin Laden prior to 9/11, why President Bush had ignored an August 5, 2001 intelligence warning that bin Laden wanted to “hijack a U.S. aircraft” and “strike within the U.S.”, why the Bush White House demoted counterterrorism official Richard Clarke, the only official, as Clinton said, “who’s worked against terror, from the terrorist incidents under Reagan to the terrorist incidents on 9/11,” why the Bush White House never retaliated for the bombing of the USS Cole, and why Bush refused to commit more troops, as urged by the CIA, to catch bin Laden at Tora Bora in late 2001.

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Five Years.

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Top 10 Of 77,069 U.S. Terror Targets Identified By The Department Of Homeland Security

WASHINGTON - The Department of Homeland Security recently released a database of 77,069 potential domestic terrorist targets. Why this list was made public now is unclear, but letting the terrorists know we are on to them seems unwise. Here to further endanger American security are the top ten terrorist targets described by DHS as “critical infrastructure.” Note: it would be wise to avoid any unnecessary trips to Indiana, the most dangerous state in the country; it is home to 8,951 national assets at high risk of impending Jerry Bruckheimer-style destruction.

     Not quite making the list: A bait-and-tackle shop, an ice cream parlor, a check-cashing joint, and the Tippecanoe Battlefield Memorial.

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To Save Time, New Orleans Levees To Be Completed With Stacks Of Cash

NEW ORLEANS - With the official start of hurricane season on June 1^st, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has decided its late July target date for completion of repairs to the still inadequate levees is no longer an option. Instead of continuing to haul in suitable soil, rocks, and other building materials, the $800 million project will finish the repairs with bricks of $100 bills wrapped in plastic.

     “This way everybody wins,” says Maj. Gen. Don Riley, director of civil works for the corps, “the workers, the citizens of New Orleans, and the taxpayer, of course. Turns out it’s actually more economical to build levees out of cash. You wouldn’t think dirt and stones and concrete would be more expensive, but they are. Especially when you add in the cost of labor, transportation, and kickbacks.”

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Stephen Colbert Awarded Prestigious Stephen Colbert Award

WASHINGTON – The Washington Obfuscator is pleased to present pundit and cartoon voiceover guy (The Venture Brothers, The Ambiguously Gay Duo) the Obfuscator’s prestigious own Stephen Colbert Award, established way back in 1941 for reasons no one living can now remember. The occasion is Stephen’s toast to President Bush at the Washington Correspondents Dinner on April 29^th. It’s not easy to make light of a living punch line, but somehow Stephen did it.

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NBC Buys iVillage For $600 Million After Obfuscator Rejects $601 Million Bid

Last month, NBC Universal bought iVillage, a website devoted to women, for $600 million. The news came just days after The Washington Obfuscator rejected a $601 million offer. Obfuscator chief merger negotiator and executive hedge trimmer Frederick Gundling said, “I guess the f*ckers weren’t bluffing.”

     Major media companies have been on something of a buying spree lately. Last year, Rupert Mudoch’s News Corp. bought MySpace (“More Than A Playground For Pedophiles”) and IGN (“We've Never Heard Of Us Either”). In February 2005, The New York Times Company bought About.com.

     NBC Universal's chief executive Robert C. Wright said he had no idea what iVillage was, but it was an Internet company, and therefore “cool.” He confirmed talks to buy The Washington Obfuscator newspaper, but insisted the offer price was actually closer to “forty dollars.”

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Nation Holds Breath During Latest Bush Vacation

CRAWFORD, TX – A few miles from here President Bush is spending the post-Christmas holiday at his ranch. Exactly what he does there—“reading really really big historical books, clearing brush, and chasing rabbits,” according to the official press releases—doesn’t seem to matter. Highlights of past Bush vacations include Hurricane Katrina and the 9/11 attacks, which occurred during or just after month-long periods of downtime at Crawford.

     “Jesus, what’s next?” asks Kyle Hutchins, 39, of Minneapolis. “Every time that man goes on vacation, thousands of people die. Someone’s got to stop him.”

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Original Coca-Cola Polar Bear Dead From Diabetes

ATLANTA – The fourteen-year-old polar bear made famous in the Coca-Cola holiday ads first launched in 1993 has died from complications due to diabetes, a spokesman for the soft drink company confirmed Tuesday. The 1,200-pound bear known as Jack Frost “died peacefully in his sleep at his luxurious, six-by-six enclosure at Coke’s corporate Atlanta headquarters,” and not, as animal rights activists insisted, “in a violent life and death struggle with a dozen stun gun-equipped handlers in a last-ditch bid for freedom after numerous futile and typically bloody escape attempts.”

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