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XTREME NEWS
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Paparazzi Race To Get First Photos Of Dakota Fanning
Menstruating
LOS ANGELES – She’s the most famous child star
working in Hollywood today, and this morning all 900 members of the
paparazzi working in Los Angeles abandoned Brad Pitt and Angelina
Jolie to try to get a shot of her. Why?
Because Dakota Fanning, eleven, just got her first period.
“It was only a few hours ago,” said one photographer on condition of
anonymity. “My source says she took an Advil, or possibly 40
Percodan and a bottle of Jack. We just don’t know right now. But
wherever she is, whatever she’s doing, we need pictures.”
A
second photographer crouched in the bushes on the sprawling Fanning
mansion disagreed. “I heard she was at the Chateau Marmont last
night, getting drunk with Aaron Carter and flashing the wait staff.”
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XTREME NEWS
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Chief Justice William Rehnquist Dead
at 80 After Botched Late, Late Term
Abortion
ARLINGTON, VA – Born in 1924 and suffering from the
most aggressive form of thyroid cancer, William Rehnquist departed
George W. Bush’s America on September 3, 2005. But it wasn’t the
end-stage cancer or even the unspoken toll of spending eighty years
of your life as an unremitting bastard. No, because on Saturday
night Rehnquist’s long-dead mother returned from beyond the grave to
exercise her right to give herself a late, late term abortion. The
following scene was witnessed by an Obfuscator reporter
hiding in the closet of the chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
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XTREME NEWS
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Want to Reinsert or Remove Terri
Schiavo’s Feeding Tube? Now You Can!
CLEARWATER, FL – Unless you’ve
been living inside the carcass of a
yak in Mongolia, you probably know that Terri Schiavo died 15 years ago,
and that the human-shaped meat bag left behind had its feeding tube
removed for the third time at the request of her husband on Friday,
March 18th, after more than two dozen court decisions ruled
against her wacky parents.
But the case is not over yet because it may take her body up to four
weeks to die.
In
Washington, the U.S. Congress is hurriedly making up hundreds of inane
laws to intrude in the private affairs of the Schiavo family and usurp
the power of the judiciary. In Florida, Terri Schiavo’s elderly parents
have enlisted the help of seven trained orangutans as they prepare for a
daring night-time raid into the hospice where their daughter’s body lies
dying.
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XTREME NEWS
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Our Readers
Suggest More Humane Solutions
For Terri Schiavo
CLEARWATER, FL – At the age of twenty-six, Terri Schiavo suffered a
severe heart attack. It starved her brain of oxygen and reduced her to
a “persistent vegetative state.” For 15 years, doctors say she has had
the intellect of a vegetable—a potato or stalk of broccoli, your
choice. Yes, her heart still beats, and her lungs still inhale. But
her brain is dead.
Her husband Michael says she would not have
wanted to live like this. Her parents disagree; they prefer her like
this. True, she doesn’t send cards on holidays, but otherwise she is the
perfect daughter. Like a piece of
familiar furniture, but with a feeding tube and 24-hour medical care.
For years, the grudge match between husband
and in-laws has worked its way through the Florida courts. Even Governor
Jeb Bush got involved, poking his head where it didn’t belong, when he
should’ve been smacking his old man around for calling his kids “the
little brown ones.”
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XTREME NEWS
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Super Bowl
Half-Time Show Marred By
Rape Of Kitten
JACKSONVILLE, FL -
It wasn’t supposed to happen.
The planning for Super Bowl XXXIX began literally hours after Janet
Jackson’s breast was accidentally exposed during last year’s half-time show
in Houston. This year would be different: no surprises, no complaints, no
FCC fines. The National Football League raised its iron fist and slammed it
down squarely on Jacksonville, Florida, where the New England Patriots and
Philadelphia Eagles were poised to face off Sunday, February 6.
Although a
majority of Americans no longer even watch the big game, NFL suits flew to
London to interrogate Paul McCartney about his planned 12-minute half-time
show. MTV, which produced last year’s half-time show, was fired and replaced
by the lucky company that produced last summer’s Democratic National
Convention. NFL even asked Fox to tape delay the pre-game and half-time
entertainment, but were turned down.
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Bush Marks 1,000th Death in Iraq
 COLUMBIA,
MO - White House staff campaigning with the president in the battleground
state of Missouri Tuesday surprised Mr. Bush with a cake to mark a milestone
in the war in Iraq as the death toll surpassed 1,000. The sudden upsurge
in fatalities was due in part to a
sharp increase in the number of attacks on U.S. soldiers, presumably
by Iraqis tired of giving flowers and candies to U.S. troops.
"Gosh, I don't what to say," said President Bush after blowing out the candles on a cake decorated with the
phrase BRING 'EM ON.
"You sure can't beat a catastrophic success for fun," Bush sighed. "Good
times."
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President Bush Caught Masturbating With Blood Of 9/11 Victims
NEW
YORK - The final night of the Republican National Convention was thrown into
chaos Thursday when a local New York City news crew inadvertently
stumbled into the president's hotel suite and caught Mr. Bush
masturbating with what initially appeared to be some sort of red
lubricant.
"It sure wasn't Astroglide," says the camera
operator, who prefers to remain anonymous. "We all just looked at each
other. He was as stunned as we were."
The news crew had been told erroneously that
National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice was in the suite waiting to
be interviewed. But it turned out her suite was next door, and an aide
mixed up the room numbers.
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 Bedridden Diaper Monkey
Unaware Of 93rd Birthday, Sordid Political Legacy, Massive Ass Sores
LOS ANGELES - The man who inspired a
million neocons and fooled a generation of imbecilic Americans with his
genial, witless smile now snoozes through the afternoons, drooling and oblivious to all.
Since the mid
1980s, when Alzheimer's began stealing away what little intelligence Ronald Reagan once
had, the disease has progressed
and rendered him the feeble diaper monkey he is today, unaware of the
events beyond his darkened bedchamber, including his own recent
93rd birthday on February 6th and how Americans overlook or remain ignorant
of his role as a cheerleader for Saddam Hussein and a supporter of one Osama
Bin Laden, about whom Reagan once said, "Young Osama will go far in life and
accomplish much. Of that I am sure. I just hope I'm out of town that day,
and taking a nap far away from the nearest telephone. Ha ha ha, you fools."
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 Pope
No Longer Able To Rape Boys
VATICAN CITY - As Catholics around the
world celebrated the 84th birthday of Pope John Paul II, a day which also
marked the publication of his latest book, a bit of sad news tempered the
requisite and legendary Vatican parties. A spokesman for the pontiff quietly
confirmed rumors that the elderly pope is no longer able to "successfully
make love to the young boys procured expressly for his entertainment."
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Chris Farley Finally Down to Healthy
Weight
MADISON, WI - Six years after the drug-related death of comedian Chris
Farley, 33,
 family
members returning from a visit to an
area cemetery were happy to confirm rumors that Farley has now
lost enough weight to be considered healthy. One of Farley's former
physicians agreed. "I'm quite pleased with his current weight," said Dr.
Alan Cooke. "He's now in the vicinity of 113 pounds, and dropping."
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XTREME NEWS
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Friends Goes Out With a Bang
LOS ANGELES - In what is already being
called one of the most stunning twists in television history, the season
finale of Friends finally acknowledged the previously ignored
terrorist attacks on New York, culminating in the death of all of the show's
major characters as they met one last time to celebrate their newfound
happiness at the World Trade Center's famed Windows on the World restaurant.
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BANNED HEADLINES (BY
TOPIC)
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_______NATIONAL_______
What Are
Little Girls Made Of? “Mostly Bone, Guts, and Blood,” Says Man On
Death Row
President
Bush Funds Stem Cell Research After Drunk Driving Accident Leaves
Daughter Paralyzed
Mom Sues
After Jon-Benet Ramsey Loses Beauty Pageant During Comeback Attempt
Linda Tripp
Still Fugly; Cancer Only Slight Improvement
Michael
Jackson Molests Girl to Confuse Prosecutors
Charles
Bronson, 81, Shot to Death By Acting Coach
Inspired By
Trip to Poland, President Bush Orders Modern Version of Auschwitz
Built Outside Amarillo: “No More Overcrowded Prisons, No More
Liberals, No More Gays, No More Critics, and Certainly No More Goddam
Je—”
Elizabeth
Smart’s Family Grateful for War in Iraq: “Finally, We Can Just Get on
With Our Lives,” Says Dad, Asking Reporters If They Know Any Vagrants
in Need Of Work
God Told
Homeless Street Preacher to Make Elizabeth Smart His Second Wife; In
Ironic Twist, Missing Teen’s Father Thanks Same God for Her Return
After Nine Months of Rape
Media Ends
Iraq Coverage in Favor of Exciting New Trend of Spousal Decapitation;
From Scott Peterson to Scott Peterson, Husbands “Virtually Everywhere”
Are Cutting Off Their Wife’s Heads and Dumping Their Pregnant Torsos
in San Francisco Bay
Simon and
Garfunkel Reunion Tour Expected To Gross Upwards of $20; “Die
Already,” Say Fans
Bob Hope
Dies, Ending Century-Long Reign Of Evil
Media
Derides Baby-Cloning Cult for Basing Religion on Something That Might
Have Happened Thousands of Years Ago, Without Any Proof
Ten
Commandments Monument at Court House Replaced by Statue of Jesus
Wiping Ass With Constitution; Christian Zealots Applaud Switch
Drinking
Game at G8 Summit Leads to Truth Or Dare; Bush Found Comatose the Next
Morning, Wearing Pantyhose With 48 Large Pickles Shoved Up Ass
Former
President Reagan Unable to Attend Launch of New Aircraft Carrier,
U.S.S. Ronald Reagan, Due to Current Status as Bedridden Diaper Monkey
After DNA
Test Confirms She Is Mostly White, Halle Berry Admits 2002 Oscar Win
Was Great Achievement For Caucasian Women Everywhere
In Germany,
Michael Jackson Dangles New Clitoris From Fourth-Floor Balcony
To Bolster
Flagging Bad Boy Image, Ailing Johnny Cash Shoots Grandson in Face
President
Bush to Spend August Vacationing At Texas Ranch, Resting Up For Next
Terrorist Attack, War
Former
President Clinton Forgets Brilliant New Idea for World Peace After
Sexual Encounter With Puerto Rican Housekeeper
Great White
Concert Ends in Flames with 100 Dead; Millions of Americans Astonished
that Aging Metal Band Still Had 100 Fans
Exhaustive Final Review of 2000 Election Reveals Most
Floridians Voted for Hitler
_______WAR IN IRAQ_______
Bush Honors Rotting Corpse of Marine Sergeant During
State of the Union
“Iraq Going Swell,” Says Rumsfeld, Attributing Daily
Deaths of American Soldiers To Zany Home Alone-Style
Accidents
White House Spokesman Angrily Denies Bush Gets $45
Whenever a U.S. Soldier is Killed
High Cost of Rebuilding Iraq May Require Reintroduction
of Slavery, Suggests Bush
Truck Bomb Driven By Mohammed al-Veigh Kills 23 at U.N.
Headquarters in Baghdad; Iraqi Neighbors Say al-Veigh Was a Quiet Gulf
War Veteran, Kept to Himself
Sons of Saddam Hussein, Uday And Qusay, Slain by U.S.
Troops; Youngest Son Randy Hussein Still At Large
Saddam Hussein Neither Dead Nor Alive; Marines
Encounter Vampire Hussein in Alarming New War Development
With British, American Soldiers Dying Months After He
Declared End to “Major Combat,” Bush Points Finger Squarely at MTV’s
Jackass
“We Will Rebuild a Peaceful Iraq, Just as Those
Surgeons in Singapore Will Succeed In Separating Those Iranian Twins,”
Says Bush
As Baghdad Falls, Pentagon Begins Planning Third
Invasion of Iraq for 2015
After a Week of Second Guessing By the Media, Gen.
Tommy Franks Hands Control of Iraq War To Media; Fox News Takes Saudi
Capital While PBS Finds Bin Laden In Just 45 Minutes
Hundreds of Billions of Dollars Spent To Forcefully
“Retire” Saddam Hussein, 65; AARP Files Discrimination Suit
Google Search Confirms Iraq Has No Ultra-Secret
Orbiting Space Station, So-Called “Death Star,” As President Bush Insists
Egyptian President Mubarak Predicts Iraq War Will
Create 100 Osama Bin Ladens; President Bush Vows to Catch One of Them
Reporters Catch Glimpse of
President Bush’s War Boner
_______MIDDLE EAST_______
Israel
Rushes to Defend Right of Kurds to Declare Free State of Kurdistan
(Just Kidding)
Palestinian
Girl Realizes “Christianity, Judaism, and Islam Are All Basically the
Same Religion,” Seconds Before Being Stoned to Death
In Sudden
Flash of Inspiration, Israel Halts Suicide Attacks By Lending Arms,
Tanks to Palestinian Authority
After
Herding Remaining Palestinians into Heavily Guarded West Bank Camps,
Israeli Soldiers Await Vote on “Final Resolution;” Reports of Mass
Graves, Irony, Denied
Bored
Israeli Soldiers Turn Helicopters, Missiles on Jewish Civilians,
Children
Saudi
Government
Admits Islamic Extremists Are a Problem; Nationwide Switch to
Buddhism Set for Tuesday
_____SHUTTLE DISASTER_____
In Wake of
Columbia Disaster, NASA Announces No More Shuttle Names Beginning With
a “C”
President Bush Blames Saddam Hussein For Break Up of
22-Year-Old Space Shuttle Columbia; VP Cheney Suffers Unlucky
Thirteenth Heart Attack
With
Shuttle Debris Still Warm, Tom Hanks Rushes to Make Film About
Disaster, Shouting “Yes, Oh God Yes!”
_______VATICAN_______
After
Beating Parkinson’s Disease With Stem Cells From Aborted Fetuses, Pope
John Paul II Calls Abortions “Gift of God”
Desperate
to Revive its Sordid Image, the Vatican Hires J.K. Rowling To Write
Harry Potter-Themed Bible
_______SPORTS_______
Kobe Bryant
Rapes R. Kelly At Youth Picnic
Last NBA
Player Without Police Record Arrested Tuesday, Charged With Sodomizing
Baby, Smuggling $2 Million in Uncut Cocaine, Planning Radiological
Bomb Attack, Shooting Wife and Nineteen Strippers at Church Picnic,
Making Prank Phone Call
Attorney
for Kobe Bryant: “He Was Raping Another Woman At the Time”
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